Let this Journey Begin...

Hello AWESOME!

I am SO excited to have begun this journey, and that I have the technology available to me to keep a record of my progress and to share it with my friends, family, and readers! What an amazing blessing!

I would like to start by filling you in on how I got to where I am today!--- Long story short, or as short as I can muster! haha

I am 23 years old, 24 in one month. I have 2 baby boys and they are 2 1/2 and almost 9 months. I have a husband whom I LOVE DEARLY and have been married to for 4 years and counting! I am the oldest of 6 children, 8 total to include my cousins whom we adopted when I was a teenager! Yes. That is 8 kids. At one point we had 8 kids, 10 people in one house, 2 cats, and 1 dog... and 1 bathroom! haha. :) It was loud, crazy, fun, and often very VERY difficult!

When I look at who I am today I have SO MUCH to be grateful for, so MANY who love me, and yet I have much deep rooted pain that has festered for years and is on occasion rubbed raw again only to be covered up and ignored again, or I will heal a little at a time and slowly my wounds become scars. After years and years my scars will begin to fade as long as I continue to let them heal. On occasion they are ripped back open! This is life. I cannot allow the pain of yesterday to hinder my tomorrow! THUS BEGINS MY JOURNEY!

I have read that having a negative body image can not only hinder your progress, but lead to ultimate failure! THUS I have started meeting with a counselor! With her I am finding that above all my other issues, I am simply TOO HARD ON MYSELF! I am not Kind enough. I am not realistic. I set myself up for failure by setting my personal expectations TOO HIGH! I know this is very deep rooted, and a direct result from the way I was raised. I know the source, and as the years have passed I have slowly found perspective. NOW is the time to SQUASH the voice that tells me I am FAT, that tells me that I am NOT WORTH it! That I CANT DO IT! The same voice that tells me I have to do EVERYTHING and LOOK THIS WAY, and that unless I DO I am simply NOT GOOD ENOUGH!... . . . . No more.

There is NO ROOM for that voice in my head! I deserve more than what I give myself. I am WORTH more than that.

I. AM. TOO. AWESOME. to let this continue!

So.

I am starting where we all do. The beginning. :)

FIRST I need to get my head straight! I am seeing the counselor on base, and we are going to find the structure I need in my thinking, in my routine that will help me to think HEALTHY, not SKINNY! I do think this will be the hard part! Separating the two!~ They are one and the same, but very, VERY different! For me it is hard to separate, because I want to just HATE my body and the way I have come to look! For MONTHS I have been thinking I was ok with my body image! I KNOW I am a beautiful person, and I FEEL PRETTY when I look in the mirror! But then I realized, I have not been looking in the mirror at my body. I have glanced at my clothes to make sure my body is COVERED, and that my clothes COVER my body, but I have not looked at myself naked. Not in months. I have not wanted to see. I would LOVE to blame my weight on my boys and pregnancy, but I feel that would be a lie. I actually got healthier and HAPPIER with my body image when I was pregnant! I was able to maintain my weight! Just weeks after the pregnancy I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight, BOTH TIMES! I have gained all my weight in between pregancies! During my engagement to be married! I KNOW that when I am stressed, when I am pushing myself the most, when I am pushing to be perfect, to do everything-- THAT is when I eat the most! That is when I turn to food! I have developed a love affair that is both TOXIC and DELICIOUS! I have to STOP THINKING that FOOD is a reward for a good deed, or a hard day! I have to STOP THINKING that FOOD will comfort me when I am ANGRY or HURT or SAD!!! It WON'T. It simply won't! And it is THIS LOVE AFFAIR that has held me back from the AWESOME, BEAUTIFUL, HEALTHY PERSON that I CAN BE! (Not that I am not the first 2 listed there, but I know I can be so much MORE!)

So HERE-- Let us raise our glass (of Sparkling Cider!) ;) to a HEALTHY FUTURE!

I know that if I want to ENJOY my boys childhood, I will want to be IN THE PICTURES! I want to travel, to CAMP, to HIKE! To ROCK CLIMB! SCUBA DIVING! SO SO SO MUCH MORE than what I am even capable of doing right now! I WANT TO SKY DIVE and ENJOY the pics and memories made!

SO-- See that pic at the top left-- THAT is my goal! To be STONG, FLEXIBLE, and at PEACE!

STRONG. HEALTHY. HAPPY. Inside and Out.

I love Yoga, and I know that I can GET there!

My next post-- My weight history.

Sorry for the BOOK! haha. I think looking back though, when I am fit, I will appreciate that I took this time to write how I felt.

xoxo,
Jess